


Soft Things

by tittysatan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Character Study, Gen, I know I don't believe it either, I'm hoping it's not too obvious that I've never interacted with a child in my life, ch1 is soft, ch2 has electrocution and emotional manipulation/abuse, holy shit I actually wrote the followup I've been promising for like a year, origin story for illumi's fixation with killua
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 03:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tittysatan/pseuds/tittysatan
Summary: Illumi discovers the only thing he'll ever love in his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fundips](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundips/gifts).



> Written for a fic exchange. The prompt was "a character study of Illumi."

No one around Illumi liked him. He couldn't have said when he realized this; it was possible he'd simply been aware of it his entire life.  It had been this way as long as he could remember, after all. His father only spoke to him during training. His mother pursed her lips and left the room whenever he appeared. His grandfather acted as though he wasn't there. The servants could barely conceal their fear. This was just the way things were.

It didn't bother Illumi, particularly; it never really occurred to him that there might be an alternative, let alone what that could be. So he kept to himself, barely spoke, did what he was told to do without question. Whether he was reading or training or walking in the woods or assassinating, it was all the same to him. Likes and dislikes were a foreign concept.

Eventually, after careful observation of the people around him, he became aware that some essential component of himself was missing. His family took pride in their work, and cared about preserving the Zoldyck house. The servants had their own petty hopes and dramas. Illumi concluded that the reason people found him unsettling was because he didn't have anything like that. However, as he didn't particularly mind being found unsettling, he saw no reason to change.

For a long while, Illumi thought he would be perfectly content to remain hollow forever.

 

* * *

 

"Illumi."

He closed his book and turned to look at his father.

"What is it?"

"I need you to keep an eye on Killua for the next few hours," Silva said, pushing the child clinging to his leg forward into the room. "Go on now," he said gently to Killua, "your big brother Illumi's going to look after you, okay?"

Illumi stared at the pale, blue-eyed little creature as it sat down sullenly on the floor. It looked so fragile. He'd never had to protect fragile things before, only break them.

"Take good care of him," Silva said, and closed the door behind him.

For a long moment neither of them moved; Killua glancing curiously around the room, Illumi watching him. Then the older brother picked the younger up under the arms and deposited him on his lap to get a closer look.

Killua reached up and put a hand, tiny and powerless and soft, on Illumi's cheek. "Your eyes are all black."

"I guess they are," Illumi replied. "Are they creepy?"

"Nuh-uh." Killua shook his head no and smiled. "I kinda like them!"

Illumi didn't think he'd ever been complimented before, other than the usual "good work" after a job. He wasn't sure what he felt.

He ran his hands over his brother, evaluating. Killua was so soft and breakable, everything about him, from his fluffy white hair to his plump limbs. Illumi squished his sides, lightly, and was surprised when the child burst out laughing. "That tickles!" Killua said, and Illumi brushed under his arms again and got the same response, and watched with wide eyes as his brother laughed and laughed.

"Payback!" Killua said and tickled Illumi's armpits, and then Illumi was laughing too, shocked by the unexpected physiological response. Killua was grinning up at him. "See? I knew you could smile!"

Illumi _was_ smiling, he realized, for the first time since he could remember. It was so strange, the way his brother looked at him. He'd never seen such innocent kindness.

"Hey, let's play shiritori!" Killua said, waving his arms excitedly. "I'm really good at it!"

"Alright."

Illumi won the first round handily. His opponent was a child, after all.

"What, no fair, I wanna rematch!" Killua pouted. "I'm gonna win this time, okay!?"

This time, Illumi deliberately lost without really knowing why, other than a vague sense that it was the right thing to do. "Ah…you got me."

"See, I told you I'd win!" Killua laughed, big blue eyes shining. "I'm really good, right? Right!?"

He wasn't. "You are," Illumi said, and patted that soft hair.

"I always win against the butlers, too!" he said proudly, jumping up to stand on Illumi's lap. "Even Tsubone's never beaten me!"

And then Killua's leg slipped, and he fell backwards onto the floor.

 _Oh no_ , Illumi thought, staring down at his brother's motionless body. _He broke. He was so fragile and now he's broken._

"Killua…?"

"I'm fine!" he said, sitting up suddenly. "It doesn't hurt!"

Wordlessly, Illumi picked Killua up and held him tight to his chest.

"I said I'm fine, you don't have to treat me like a baby," Killua muttered.

Illumi just kept holding him. He wanted to hold him like this, to keep him safe in his arms, forever. Soft things were so strange. Just by existing, they made you want to protect them.

"I'm fiiiiiine!" Killua said again, trying to wriggle out of Illumi's grasp. Finally his older brother loosened his embrace, still holding him under the arms.

"You need to be more careful," he chided. "What if something happened to you?"

Killua stared into his dark eyes for a long moment, then suddenly smiled. "You're weird!" he laughed. "You look all blank faced, but you're just a worrywart!"

"…am I?" Illumi said to himself. "You might be right."

"And you always sound really out of it, too!"

"Do you dislike me?" It would make sense if he did. Everyone else did.

"Nuh-uh!" Killua threw his arms around Illumi's neck and hugged him. "I love you, Illumi-nii!"

 _Oh._ Something inside Illumi clicked. _This is what being alive is like. This is what it feels like not to be hollow._

He wanted to take the feel of those arms and the sound of those words and wrap them up, carry them with him, keep them all to himself, forever.

"Hmm, Illumi-nii is hard to say…" Killua mumbled, still holding him. "I got it, Illu-nii!"

"…then I'll call you Kil."

"Kil! I like that!" the child said, letting go and shifting to sit with his back against Illumi's chest. "Let's play Twenty Questions now, okay?"

 

* * *

 

It felt like hardly any time had passed before the door opened again, and Silva was back to take Killua away. "How was it?" he asked.

"It was fun!" Killua exclaimed, grinning ear to ear. "Illu-nii's so funny!"

"…really," Silva said, glancing doubtfully at Illumi. "Well, it's your bedtime, so…"

"I don't wanna!" Killua said, clinging to his brother's shirt. "I wanna play with Illu-nii more!"

Illumi wrapped his arms around him protectively, staring silently up at their father.

"How many times have I told you that you can't do your training without proper sleep?" Silva sighed.

"Then I wanna sleep with Illu-nii instead!"

Silva thought for a moment, arms crossed. "…Illumi?"

The older brother nodded once.

"Alright then, but just for tonight."

"Hooray!" Killua jumped up excitedly, Illumi grabbing him tightly before he could risk falling. "Thanks, Dad!"

"…have fun," Silva said with that same doubtful glance at Illumi, closing the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

They were curled up together in their pajamas in Illumi's narrow bed, Killua's back to his brother's chest. "This is so cozy…" he murmured sleepily. "Let's play more tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Illu-nii."

"I love you too, Kil."

Killua was so small in Illumi's arms. He couldn't believe how small he was. Could something so soft, so defenseless really survive?

Just remembering the moment when he thought Killua had died was enough to make Illumi's chest ache. To let that happen again was unthinkable.

 _I'll protect you_. He'd never been so certain of anything in his life. _I won't let anything hurt you. I won't let anyone else touch you. I'll keep you safe, no matter what._

He pulled Killua closer, nestled his face deeper into that sweet-smelling white hair. _You're all I have, and I'll never let you go. Ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was interested in how Illumi might have come to be so obsessed with Killua, and this is what I came up with. I figure there must have been a time when things were kind of okay, even if it was just for a little while.


	2. Chapter 2

“I want to help train Killua.”

Silva stared at his son. It was the first time Illumi had requested anything of him, after all. “…do you now.”

There was a strange burning in Illumi’s chest, having his father’s eyes on him. Embarrassment, perhaps… Yes, that’s what it was, wasn’t it? And hopefulness, and worry that he might say no… “I want to make sure he grows up strong, to be a good assassin,” he said.

 _I want to spend time with him_ , he couldn’t say.

“Well, it certainly would make my life easier…” Silva sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “He’s about the age to start torture training, so his regimen’s going to get busier from here on out anyways. I don’t see why not.”

Happiness, like the sun was in his chest. “Thank you.”

“You know what to do, right? It’s the same training you went though. Killua’s a fast learner, but he can be a bit rebellious sometimes, so the most important thing is getting him to understand why this is something he needs to do.” Silva paused, frowning slightly. “…do you think you could do that? You never questioned your training, so…”

It had never occurred to Illumi that questioning it was an option. If he was told there was a reason that he was electrocuted until he couldn’t control his muscles, that needles were driven under his fingernails until the pain was dizzying, that he was fed poison until he vomited blood, that was just the way things were. Rather than disobey, it was so much easier to turn himself into an unthinking automaton.

But for the first time, he thought he might be able to grasp why one would refuse an order. If he was told never to see his brother again… Just the thought made his nails start to sharpen into blades. Killua was a star that had fallen into his hands, and anyone who told him to give that up would die.

That was why Killua needed to get strong enough that nothing could ever hurt him. So that Illumi would never lose him.

“I can do that.”

Silva shrugged. “If you say so. You can start with electrocution training tomorrow, then. Don’t push him harder than he can handle, but don’t go easy on him, either.”

“Alright.”

Illumi felt too light for his body as he left his father’s room, drifting in a dizzying happiness. _I get to be with Kil._

* * *

 

"Hey, Illu-nii, where are we going?" Killua asked, sticking close to his brother as they descended yet another flight of bare stone steps.

"I told you, didn't I?" Illumi replied, reaching down to run a gentle hand through Killua's fluffy white hair. "We're going to be training."

"But I don't usually come down here to train."

"We'll be doing a different sort, starting from today. Endurance training."

"Oh cool!" the child said, face lighting up. "Hey, hey, what's it like? What're we gonna do? It's gonna make me stronger, right?"

"That's right," Illumi said, finally pulling open a heavy wooden door and gesturing for Killua to enter. "It's going to make you stronger." That was the point of all this. Illumi loved his soft little brother just the way he was, but soft things were just too fragile.

The room was bare stone walls and bare stone floor, containing nothing but a chair set with worn leather straps and an array of switches and dials with two cables neatly curled on top. Killua immediately ran over and climbed up onto the chair, kicking his legs back and forth as he sat. "So? What're we doing?"

"Electricity resistance training," Illumi said, dialing the voltage up to max and clamping a cable to each of his index fingers before pressing a foot pedal. Instantly, electricity strong enough to kill a normal person ten times over flooded his body, making his hair stand on end and his clothing crackle, air reeking of burnt ozone. It hurt, of course it did, but when Illumi released the pedal to cut off the electricity he was no worse for wear. "See?"

Killua was watching him with wide eyes, mouth agape. "...did you just shock yourself?"

"Yup."

"And you're okay? That looked really serious!"

"I have practice."

"That's so cool!" the child said, eyes sparkling as he leaned forward in his seat. "Hey, hey, am I gonna be able to do that too!?"

Illumi felt his heart pounding in his chest, the way it always did when his brother looked at him that way, like he was amazing, like he was something special. "Of course," he said. "I'm going to teach you."

"Thanks, Illu-nii!" Killua said, jumping from the chair to hug Illumi's legs. "You're the best!"

Illumi tousled his hair. He'd never get tired of this; no, he couldn't live without this anymore, without someone, just one person, treating him like he was human.

"C'mon, let's get started!" Killua said, hopping back up into the chair and holding out his soft little hands. "C'mon, c'mon!"

"Don't be impatient, now," Illumi said, disconnecting the cables from himself before fastening them gently onto his brother's fingers. "It's not uncomfortable?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Alright then, let's start with a low voltage," he said, turning the machine down to nearly the lowest setting. "Are you ready?"

"Uh-huh!"

Illumi pressed the pedal, and Killua _screamed_. He let it off right away, but the child was already choking back sobs, tears streaming down his face. Illumi stood there in front of the panel and looked at him. It had just been a little shock. He barely would have noticed something like that himself. Could his little brother really be so weak? How could he survive like this, let alone be the heir? He needed to get stronger, that much was clearer and clearer by the day. Illumi needed to make him stronger.

"Illu-nii, it hurt, it hurt so bad..." Killua was crying with his face in his arms, cables pulled off and flung to the ground. "How do you stop it from hurting?"

Illumi walked over and crouched in front of him, letting his brother throw his arms around him and cry into his chest. "You don't," he said, stroking his hair. "You just get used to the pain."

Killua pulled back, eyes wide, pupils terrified pinpoints. "You... So when you did it to yourself..."

"It was a few hundred times stronger than what you felt. So yeah, it hurt."

"...I...I don't wanna." The child was shaking his head now, never breaking eye contact with Illumi. "I don't wanna, I can't, I'm scared, Illu-nii, I'm scared–"

"Shh, Kil, it's okay," Illumi said, pushing Killua's head back down against his chest. "It's for your own good. To make you stronger, so nothing can hurt you." The child's only reply was soft whimpers. "I love you, Kil. I'd never do anything that wasn't in your best interest. You know that, right?"

"...uh-huh," Kil murmured into Illumi's chest.

"I did the same thing when I was your age, you know. It'll be fine. I promise. Don't you trust me?"

"...uh-huh."

"That's my little brother," Illumi said, giving Killua a kiss on the forehead before strapping him into the chair and reconnecting the cables. "Alright, let's start again."

 

* * *

 

It was hours later that Illumi finally said "alright, I think that's enough for today," and turned off the machine. "How are you feeling, Kil?"

The younger brother couldn't speak. He was barely clinging to consciousness; eyes dull and staring, face a mess of tears and drool and snot, clothes soiled from when he'd lost control of his bowels. Every once in a while, a limb would jerk reflexively.

"I'm proud of you," Illumi said, detaching the cables and undoing the straps, picking Killua up to cradle him in his arms. "You did so well."

"...really...?" Killua said weakly, turning just his eyes to look up at his brother.

"Of course. You're really talented. Soon you'll be able to deal with something like this no problem."

"...thanks, Illu-nii..."

"You're welcome."

Illumi carried Killua back up the long stone steps, ran gentle hands over his soft pale skin as he washed him, dressed him in pajamas, cuddled him close in bed. "I just want what's best for you, Kil," Illumi said, stroking his fluffy white hair. "You understand that, right? You're my precious little brother, and I'd do anything for you."

"...yeah," Killua said, nuzzling into the crook of his brother's neck.

"Just leave everything to me, and I'll make sure you grow up nice and strong."

"...okay."

"I love you, Kil," Illumi said, kissing his forehead, cheek, nose. "I'm so proud of you. I couldn't ask for a better brother."

"I love you too, Illu-nii," Killua said, smiling weakly.

This was good, this was exactly the way things should be. As long as Kil listened to his big brother, everything would be fine. He was just a child, after all; he didn't know what was best for him. But Illumi did. No one else loved him as much, no one else wanted so badly to keep him safe. No one else needed Kil like he did.

_You don't have to think about anything at all. Just do as I say, and everything will be fine._


End file.
